Wolfgang Puck Can Kiss My Ass

For everyone out there who is well off, let me fill you in on something. In order for most of us to take a lousy vacation once every 5 years, we have to scrape, scratch, kick and pinch in order to get up the money to go somewhere halfway decent. This summer, my family was able to scrape up enough for a once in a lifetime trip to Walt Disney World in Florida. I have two little kids, so this was a BIG DEAL for them – And it was a big deal for my wife and I too. Managing to take a trip like this in the middle of our economic situation was quite a feat.

This was no luxury trip – We had to drive to Florida (1500 miles each way – 2 Families in one Chevy Suburban ) to save money, and we all stayed in one rental condo – But hey, we were on vacation so who cares. And because we were on such a tight budget, we had to limit how many times we could eat dinner out in a restaurant.

Our first night there, we ended up at Wofgang Puck’s Cafe in Downtown Disney – Why would we eat there, you ask? Well, it had the shortest wait time for a table (around 20 minutes) and it did have Wolfgang’s name attached to it – How bad could it be? He’s Wolfgang Puck after all – This guy owns Spago, cooks at the Oscars, has cooking shows on T.V. and sells shit on QVC – He must know what he’s doing, right?

I’m sure you know where this is going. My meal sucked. My wife’s meal sucked. My kids’ meal sucked too. How could a guy like Wolfgang Puck fuck up mac and cheese. It’s only has two ingredients, mac and fucking cheese. But noooo, Wolfy has to put his bullshit celebrity chef twist on it and add cloves to the dish. What kid do you know that would enjoy the taste of cloves in their macaroni and cheese? You should have seen the looks on their faces when they tasted it.

My spaghetti Bolognese couldn’t have been worse if it was prepared by chef Boyardee himself. And I couldn’t even tell you what my wife ordered, I think it was chicken, but for all I know it could have been a boney parakeet served on wild rice. The restaurant was gigantic, it was two stories and it was packed to the brim. The place is like a factory – I can’t even guess how many meals they serve in a day there. It’s nearly impossible to serve good food or offer good service doing that kind of volume, and a guy like Wolfgang Puck should know that.

When I got the bill from the waitress (the one who forgot to bring out our appetizers by the way), I almost fell off my uncomfortable bullshit celebrity restaurant chair. Nearly a hundred bucks to be fed shit and to be treated like shit. Man was I mad. But it was my fault, because I was stupid. I was stupid to be suckered by the celebrity chef’s name on the restaurant sign. Especially since I have had similar experiences before.

I have had shitty over priced meals at restaurants owned by celebrity chefs in the past – Mario Batali – (Stay away from his joint at the Venetian Hotel in Vegas), Rocco DiSpirito – (Worse than school cafeteria food) and Bobby Flay – (I forget which if his New York bullshit celebrity restaurants it was).

You would think I would have learned my lesson. But like most other Americans, I believe the hype, time and again. I get suckered, snookered and conned all the time. But not anymore – Next time I’m saying “Wolfgang Puck can kiss my ass!” I’d rather eat a hotdog on a stick.

RELATED: Top Ten Highest Paid Celebrity Chefs Via Huffington Post